Halloween

Some girls say that Halloween is the one night of the year when it’s acceptable to dress like a slut. The rest of us know that every weekend is an excuse to flaunt our assets to get free drinks. However, there are very few occasions where you and your girlfriends can go out wearing little else other than animal ears, a tiara, police badge, or a fire man’s hat. (Unless of course, you love attending themed parties… in which case, dressing up is a common occurrence.) In this sense, Halloween gives us the opportunity to express our alter-egos while releasing our inner sex addict. Unfortunately, men are given that same opportunity… but their alter egos are often much weirder, and certainly not sexy.

Guys barely know how to appropriately dress themselves in the morning, let alone pre-plan an outfit for Halloween. I want a man in uniform, complete with washboard abs, pecs, and biceps big enough to lift me out of my stilettos. Instead, I get the guy dressed up as a breathalyzer with a tube that says “Blow Here”, and probably a drink spilled down his front. Obviously, this guy put a lot of thought into his costume… just not in the right places. These are the nights we all look back on and wish we could forget years down the line. But alas, those Facebook pictures live on, and each year, your girlfriends will remind you of that one night you went home with the guy whose face you could barely see, and whose body should’ve remained hidden by his costume. To avoid this, here are a few tips for the upcoming Halloween Weekend.

Don’t let yourself be this girl.

Avoid guys dressed as girls

I love a man who's comfortable enough with his sexuality to embrace his feminine side. In fact, I fully support any man who will sacrifice his comfort and masculinity to temporarily experience what it’s like to be a woman. But, as appealing as that Marilyn Monroe costume is to my lesbian side, I really don’t need a guy's tissue-stuffed tits to fall on my back during doggy style. It's beyond unattractive to reach for your man's hair, and pull off their wig instead. Just the fact that it’s slowly bobbing off his head is nauseating. Many aspects of this scenario concern me, especially the fact that he not only shaved his pubes (which is highly appreciated), but went the extra mile to shave his legs as well. A night like this will only leave me wondering, just whom is it that you’re attracted to, and how did you learn how to walk in high heels?

Do you really want those tits in your face all night?

Avoid guys in face paint

Every year, it seems that some of the hottest guys choose to dress up as the most gruesome characters they can conceive of. Whether they’re a zombie, blood-soaked serial killer, or the Joker from Batman, guys love to make themselves look horrifyingly disgusting. Make up is rarely attractive on males, but this face painting phenomena takes the catastrophe to a much higher level. However, once the shit that once covered his entire face is smeared all over mine, I start reconsidering my decisions. The idea that my guy's a rebel and went the extra mile to complete his costume is admirable. But I don’t need the entire party to know that we’ve been hooking up on the dance floor for the last 20 minutes, nor do I want to walk home in the morning looking like a scene from Dawn of the Dead. To make it worse, if there's any oil in that paint, I'll be cursing this night for the next two weeks as I break out violently and wear huge sunglasses to hide my shame.

Simultaneously hooking up an entire hoard of zombies is okay.

Throwbacks are hot, cartoon characters are not.

I'm all about reminiscing the 90's. In fact, I'd love nothing more than to make out with a Will Smith look-a-like, or even Jazzy Jeff, this year. But let's be honest, loving the 90's should only go so far. As soon as a guy reaches back to toddler hood for his inspiration, I'm done. Dressing as any infancy idol, such as Barney, the Teletubbies, or Big Bird, is strictly prohibited. Not only are these costumes totally nonfunctional for dancing, but the guy wearing it is probably sweating like a pig inside. Don't be fooled by semi-cartoon characters either, no matter how sexy that individual may seem in the black light. His Where's Waldo costume is all fun and games at the party, but not when your friends start spotting him on campus, and he truly looks like McLovin'.

Unfortunately, Teletubbies are even more horrifying when in a group.

And finally, if last year taught me anything, puking is not prettier with a tiara on.

This year, I'll hold off on that one last chug from the Franzia bag and thank myself in the morning for not waking up with a ruined pink dress, one lace glove, and a matted down mess where my perfectly curled hair used to be.

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