Halloween

Some girls say that Halloween is the one night of the year when it’s acceptable to dress like a slut. The rest of us know that every weekend is an excuse to flaunt our assets to get free drinks. However, there are very few occasions where you and your girlfriends can go out wearing little else other than animal ears, a tiara, police badge, or a fire man’s hat. (Unless of course, you love attending themed parties… in which case, dressing up is a common occurrence.) In this sense, Halloween gives us the opportunity to express our alter-egos while releasing our inner sex addict. Unfortunately, men are given that same opportunity… but their alter egos are often much weirder, and certainly not sexy.

Guys barely know how to appropriately dress themselves in the morning, let alone pre-plan an outfit for Halloween. I want a man in uniform, complete with washboard abs, pecs, and biceps big enough to lift me out of my stilettos. Instead, I get the guy dressed up as a breathalyzer with a tube that says “Blow Here”, and probably a drink spilled down his front. Obviously, this guy put a lot of thought into his costume… just not in the right places. These are the nights we all look back on and wish we could forget years down the line. But alas, those Facebook pictures live on, and each year, your girlfriends will remind you of that one night you went home with the guy whose face you could barely see, and whose body should’ve remained hidden by his costume. To avoid this, here are a few tips for the upcoming Halloween Weekend.

Don’t let yourself be this girl.

Avoid guys dressed as girls

I love a man who's comfortable enough with his sexuality to embrace his feminine side. In fact, I fully support any man who will sacrifice his comfort and masculinity to temporarily experience what it’s like to be a woman. But, as appealing as that Marilyn Monroe costume is to my lesbian side, I really don’t need a guy's tissue-stuffed tits to fall on my back during doggy style. It's beyond unattractive to reach for your man's hair, and pull off their wig instead. Just the fact that it’s slowly bobbing off his head is nauseating. Many aspects of this scenario concern me, especially the fact that he not only shaved his pubes (which is highly appreciated), but went the extra mile to shave his legs as well. A night like this will only leave me wondering, just whom is it that you’re attracted to, and how did you learn how to walk in high heels?

Do you really want those tits in your face all night?

Avoid guys in face paint

Every year, it seems that some of the hottest guys choose to dress up as the most gruesome characters they can conceive of. Whether they’re a zombie, blood-soaked serial killer, or the Joker from Batman, guys love to make themselves look horrifyingly disgusting. Make up is rarely attractive on males, but this face painting phenomena takes the catastrophe to a much higher level. However, once the shit that once covered his entire face is smeared all over mine, I start reconsidering my decisions. The idea that my guy's a rebel and went the extra mile to complete his costume is admirable. But I don’t need the entire party to know that we’ve been hooking up on the dance floor for the last 20 minutes, nor do I want to walk home in the morning looking like a scene from Dawn of the Dead. To make it worse, if there's any oil in that paint, I'll be cursing this night for the next two weeks as I break out violently and wear huge sunglasses to hide my shame.

Simultaneously hooking up an entire hoard of zombies is okay.

Throwbacks are hot, cartoon characters are not.

I'm all about reminiscing the 90's. In fact, I'd love nothing more than to make out with a Will Smith look-a-like, or even Jazzy Jeff, this year. But let's be honest, loving the 90's should only go so far. As soon as a guy reaches back to toddler hood for his inspiration, I'm done. Dressing as any infancy idol, such as Barney, the Teletubbies, or Big Bird, is strictly prohibited. Not only are these costumes totally nonfunctional for dancing, but the guy wearing it is probably sweating like a pig inside. Don't be fooled by semi-cartoon characters either, no matter how sexy that individual may seem in the black light. His Where's Waldo costume is all fun and games at the party, but not when your friends start spotting him on campus, and he truly looks like McLovin'.

Unfortunately, Teletubbies are even more horrifying when in a group.

And finally, if last year taught me anything, puking is not prettier with a tiara on.

This year, I'll hold off on that one last chug from the Franzia bag and thank myself in the morning for not waking up with a ruined pink dress, one lace glove, and a matted down mess where my perfectly curled hair used to be.

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Condoms

During any serious hook-up or potential one night stand, there comes the moment when you’re about to cross the line from a mild sexual encounter to a mind-blowing experience. Now, a true gentleman won’t even have to ask. He’ll be prepared before you even say the words, deftly reaching into the desk drawer where he keeps his stash. A douchebag, on the other hand, won’t even attempt to ask. He’ll be right at the gates, poking around, ‘til you say “whoa buddy… forgetting something there?”, as if he could get in raw dog for free. But your standard guy will ask you, “Should I get a condom?”

Now, nine times out of ten, the answer is YES. Having children would totally ruin your social life… and herpes is one gift you don’t want to receive. That other time is when you’ve downed half a bottle of Cuervo (damn, he looks good in the dark!) and grab his hips like you’re at the fucking rodeo, pushing it in yourself. But, in hopes that these times are few and far in between, even attempting to use a condom can become problematic.

No condom

I’m hard pressed to believe that any man between the ages of fourteen and forty does not possess a condom somewhere in or on his property. Men live for the possibility that they might have sex on the weekend. No matter how unlikely, they thrive off the thought of these potential encounters. If your man says he’s lacking in the rubber department, he is either lying in hopes that you’ll say “fuck it” and go for it anyway; or, he must not have assessed his surroundings properly. Are you in college? Did you go out to the bar or club tonight? Are you reasonably attractive, or at least hitting on girls much younger and uglier than you? Did you think there was even a remote possibility that you’d ever have a girl in your vicinity sometime in the near future? Then you should really own a condom. If he truly does not own a condom, this is a warning sign. He either has not seen a naked female since 10^th grade anatomy, or bones empty handed 100% of the time. Either way, you do not want to be a part of this individual’s repertoire.

Step up your game.

If you are considering not using a condom, you have to seriously ask yourself the question: “Is the dick that good?” This is a quick assessment of how worthwhile his dick is compared to the potential consequences you may face as a result of this encounter. Worst case scenario, you're completely aware of. Best case scenario, you’ve got your calendar in one hand, birth control in the other, desperately praying that you haven’t missed a pill. This moment will make even the most unreligious girls pull out their rosary beads and pray to God that their period will come, and come quick. But of course, this will be the month when you’re period is three days late and you start crying in the shower, looking up Planned Parenthood resources in your spare time. Bottom line, unless he’s “rollin’ out” like Ludacris, it’s really not worth the time, money, or embarrassment it takes to drive yourself to CVS and buy some Plan B.

Expired Condoms

Deciding to use a condom is certainly a step in the right direction. Once it’s on, you can typically go to business, smooth sailing. Your mind is at ease knowing you’re safe from STD’s and unintended pregnancy. But if only life could be this easy all the time. In rare cases, the condom just doesn’t feel quite right. It’s so dry and brittle that your tropical paradise instantly becomes a desert savannah. You may second guess yourself. “That’s odd. He must have bought unlubricated condoms. They sell those… right?” But no. Ten strokes in, that shit snaps, like a water balloon has just exploded inside you. It’s in these moments that I think to myself, “I should have just brought my own damn condoms.” But, of course, I didn’t anticipate that I’d be hooking up with an infantile ape who probably still thinks babies come from storks, and certainly can’t locate the clitoris.

Even Snooki uses new condoms.

Most condoms have at least a four-year lifespan, so if the wrapper says “Expires in 2010”, he hasn’t bought condoms since ’06, or possibly even earlier. Depending on where you fall generationally, this could mean trouble. If your man hasn’t bought condoms since high school, you can be assured that his sexual skills end around that same time. If he’d been getting any practice in, those condoms would be in rotation so fast that he’d have the up-and-coming brand in before they even hit the shelves. The clerks at CVS don’t need to know him by name, but he should certainly be stopping in at least once or twice a year, if for no other reason than to renew his stash. If the condom breaks, don’t even bother replacing it. Just leave. You’ve had your days of fumbling limbs and uncoordinated rhythms. No need to revisit that in your prime.

Bad Condoms

Assuming the condoms are in full working condition, there are still some problems to be faced. Durex, Ruff Riders, “Twisted Pleasure”, or any condom given out for free at your local health center. These are just a few examples of condoms that will fuck your night up. As if condoms weren’t uncomfortable enough, thick condoms entirely remove any remaining pleasure from the experience. I’d rather saran wrap that dick than spend the next thirty minutes checking the clock, hoping he’ll finish soon so I can catch the encore of Jersey Shore. If I wanted to feel plastic, I’d have skipped going out completely and instead spent the night with BOB, my battery-operated boyfriend. If you’re going to use a condom, it’s worth spending the extra $4.50 to get a half-decent pack and save your date from wishing she hadn’t wasted a number, or her time.

Far worse than thick condoms are those that have extra ribbing and layers designed for “her pleasure”. I don’t know who they tested these condoms on, but last time I checked, women’s vaginas were not made to withstand anything resembling a cactus.

You can stay far away from my coochie, thank you very much.

Yes! Please give me more plastic on top of the thick wrapping you’ve already subjected me to. In fact, make that extra plastic pointy, sharp, twisted, uneven, or otherwise remarkably painful. I’d try to keep myself from yawning, but I’m too horrified. Initially, the fact that you bought thick condoms suggested you were cheap bastard… but now with these babies, you’ve confirmed yourself as a sadistic psycho. As wonderful as the idea of condoms are, it seems that in practice, their usage serves only to cock-block those of us looking to get it in, and create one more problem for the slutty girl in all of us.

For more Slutty Girl Problems, check out SGP's Twitter, Tumblr, or Facebook.

For slutty merchandise, visit the SGP Store.